Two-thirds
Just another mid-life crisis, brought to you by Microsoft.
When I was in college, I used Microsoft Money to take care of my checkbook.
Aside from the fact that it’s a little amazing that I ever tried to keep a balanced checkbook, there’s nothing remarkable about that. But that bit of pre-loaded software on a laptop long disposed was responsible for something that has been on my mind a lot lately.
This particular version of Microsoft Money featured a life expectancy wizard (sort of like this) that was probably designed to assist in insurance rates. But, for me, it was just a quick way to send me reeling toward my mortality. I took the questionnaire and, given my answers at the age of 25, was given a life expectancy of 65.
Of course, at 25, I thought something to the effect of, “Cool. Whatever. That’s 40 more years, longer than anyone really needs on this Earth.” And then I took a bite of the Big Mac on my desk, washed it down with Johnnie Walker Red and stepped outside to smoke a pack of cigarettes.
I’m nearly a month away from 41. If there’s any credence in how Microsoft Money calculated my life expectancy, my life is nearly two-thirds over. For those not doing the math, I have one foot figuratively in the grave. I could easily be rounding the penultimate corner heading toward my doom.
I guess what I’m saying is, “GAAAAAAH!”
Now, at 40.875, I’ve got a family. There are two cute boys and a sassy lass of a wife waiting at home that wouldn’t like it too much if Microsoft Money was right. I have a sweet scar on my chest from when all those Big Macs, bottles of Johnnie Walker Red and cigarettes tried to cash in early on Microsoft Money’s promise and sent me in for a triple coronary bypass at 36. I’ve got an awesome podcast that no one really listens to. I’m living the modern American dream. And I’m not ready to give it up as easily as I was at 25.You can’t have my life, Microsoft Money. Not yet.
Still, despite my recent concern about making sure that I outlive that random number that was burned into my psyche decades ago, I have a hard time doing anything about it. Call it lazy. Call it ugly Americanism. Call it having ADHD. I struggle with dedicating the time and willpower to the exercise, better eating and longer sleeping that I need.
Oh. Hey! I took the test from that link I embedded and it says my life expectancy is now 85. I have plenty of time to worry about this. I’m off to drinks with my friends at the burger bar.
